diary entries
3/30/25: yesterday my sister invited me out to go snowboarding and it was my first time ever doing it! it was a lot of fun. arduous, but fun, and the amount of endorphins it gave me was astonishing - a surprise even tho i knew it was a thing that happens with exercise. of course, today i am feeling the evil effects of exercise. i'm extremely sore all over and its been hard moving around or even sitting for long periods of time, so for now i'm just trying to not do anything strenuous... so much fun though, it makes me happy to be able to do fun things with my sister.
3/27/25: trying to exercise more last night and im already sore haha, but i do HIIT, so it's a little intense. dnd was fun tonight and i had a nice conversation with my bestie/roommate so i feel very emotionally fulfilled like a watered plant. turns out no one hates me as much as i think they do haha... made a little espeon nanoblock yay!
3/26/25: i got inspired writing about why i like irisu syndrome so much that i may just make it a video essay or something, i've been currently writing the script since friday and i'm at 2,000 words so far. need to actually replay the game soon so that i can get decent footage as well as refresh my memory and get the text files saved. it's been fun - i worry to myself that i'll never actually get it done - but i won't worry about it right now... i know i love starting things but i hate finishing it. i don't know why i do that to myself, because in my mind it feels like i did nothing unless i see the end product. i've also been trying to write a script for a visual novel but it's currently on hold for the video essay it's like - can i focus on one thing at a time? no, no i need to jump between hobbies and interests rapidly..
3/25/25: now it's been twice in one month that two of my friends came out as trans women to me, before they came out to anyone else. i don't know how i have that effect on people that they feel like they can confide in me but i think it makes me really happy. the world is more beautiful and happier when more trans women come out of the closet.
3/24/25: the weekend was busy, so it didn't feel like i got any rest and now i'm back at work !!! it's fine, though. it was my mom's birthday during this weekend so i drove down. probably the first time in a while a trip back to my family's home doesn't instill a feeling of wanting to die. this time though it was a feeling of wanting to run around and scream. not sure if that's great or not but i mean we take what we can get it. my bald patch on my head is getting larger - stress pulling my hair is a habit hard to break. got linked trichotillomania help threads on reddit by a friend and i guess i'll try implementing some of them.
3/20/25: class was alright. i think the data vis teacher is kind of cute. maybe it's because he has glasses though. after class i was feeling more suicidal than normal and i meant to go walk and get a treat but put on clothes and got scared, so i just ended up sleeping it off. i feel like a whole lot of nothing. i feel pretty numb, small, inconsequential. i feel at a crossroads in my life, with things approaching that i feel like i have to make a decision, and each option will be difficult. what if the decision i want isn't what everyone else wants? i don't even think i know what i want for myself, i usually just do what i'm told. i feel trapped in circumstances out of my control. i know i'll have to make decisions that are tough and difficult eventually, and it's wishful thinking to want to have everything resolve beautifully, but. idk. i'll just keep sleeping my feelings off, probably
3/19/25: friday-monday i spent the weekend at oregon, a little road trip with my two friends driving up. the drive up was actually probably one of the worst ordeals of my life due to how long and how scary it was. not to mention illegal. my car is not built for snow and it was advised to have tire chains on - i dont have any. so we took a detour around the main freeway to take an even longer and more rural route that, still ended up requiring chains. it was monumentally terrifying and i was driving basically for 13 hours. i hoped we'd get there before dark, but it got dark, and extremely rainy. flood warnings were coming up but by that time i was too determined to get there. no actual floods to trek, but it was dark and stormy. ok but after that, the actual trip itself was pleasant! and it was nice to see our friend again and celebrate their birthday. the drive down was actually infinitely easier (and shorter) except for this one part where straight hail was pouring for at least 5 miles and there was so much hail on the road it looked like a blanket of snow. so! very dangerous. but everyone drove slow until the literal dark cloud passed over us. lots of thoughts about it but now i'm back in the swing of work and school again.
3/12/25: while at work, i watched a really put-together video essay on majora's mask and how it deals with trauma and i really liked it. today, i'm oscillating from feeling secure and confident in my friendships, feeling good and productive, and getting things done to fearing i'm secretly disliked by the people i care about and too nervous and unsettled to simply go outside and do something. i dislike how inconsistent i am, my mind is like a rollercoaster i can't get off. i want to go out and get a snack but am too scared to go outside. i still feel like i need permission to do things, the shadow of childhood haunting me still i guess.
3/5/25: monster hunter wilds has been occupying my mind and i love it (kinda love that they have a cast full of people of color and a story that is actually more fleshed out than the previous games) - now 18ish hours into it i've completed the main story and uncapped my hunter rank so i can just mindlessly keep whacking monsters... hunting horn main for life btw. bored at work and thinking about things like art and how self-promotion of art is becoming more important than the art itself, which, im not very good at in terms of social media.
3/3/25: before playing the root tabletop rpg with friends today, we walked to a late night pizza place that opened recently near our apartment and a beautiful woman was working the counter and i said my name was egg for my order and she asked if i was enby and said it was such a cute name and that all the dolls are gonna hear abt my name . holy fuck im embarrassed but over the moon
2/28/25: i love getting sucked into things... played an online game that was making me feel less than for not excelling... but then when i stopped i felt the love and admiration of others and realized it's fine actually. it's freeing when i don't have to converse out of obligation.. i should message my friends more
2/27/25: monster hunter wilds is coming out tonight and i'm so so excited
2/12/25: there is an artist i follow online that broke their drawing hand. they started learning how to hold a pen on their left hand (non-dominant) just to keep drawing simply because they enjoy it. i want to have such a relationship with my art that it's something i actively enjoy doing, so i'll work on it. starting the script and outline for a short story visual novel i'd like to make
2/8/25: got the ube vietnamese coffee from a local pop-up i was fiending for - a chilly morning with cold coffee is still delicious. my best friend took the train to visit and sleep over. i was raving to her on a video essay about a game called irisu syndrome that i played in middle school - it would add and alter files in its game directory, probably one of the first of its kind. i used to have one of the songs in game as my ringtone. had dinner at a vietnamese restaurant with our other friend. its not often im out and around - usually i stay home. when we walked around town i looked at a thrift store and ran into some people from high school. jarring but funny i guess.
2/7/25: work was pretty alright, a lot of doing work on revit and changing file names to be standardized short for the vault archives. talked to my coworker and had fun. after work, went to the mtg: aetherdrift pre-release being hosted at local card shop. first time playing against strangers, but my roommate also came with so it was a little less daunting. saw some friends from campus. i built a dimir deck with the oildeep gearhulk mythic i pulled - lost twice and drew once. a fun experience for my first time. i didn't really feel too happy at the end of the night since my friends were all too busy playing rivals
2/6/25: my old prius c got a fresh new dent in the back. no note or anything. it was raining a little on the way to class. ate a pack of sour gummy worms and some welch's yogurt dipped blueberry fruit snacks. starfinder session today, drank a cider during it. rolled 3 natural 1's. 2 in a row... I don't gamble for a reason. played with my website till bedtime.